I come here.

angerWhen I need to get something off of my chest this is where I turn to. It is so healthy for me to get my thoughts out and into the world. Instead of locking them up inside my head.

When I am mad. I literally can’t do anything extremely productive. My brain is cluttered with the thoughts pulsing throughout. I try to distract it with different stimuli so the pain doesn’t set in.

I could go into all the details into why I am feeling the way I do but I think it is always important in what you do in response to your feelings. I don’t believe we can control how we feel but I do believe we can control how we react to those feelings.  Continue reading

This is my life.

depressed-girl-970x647Panic attack on Monday on and off for three hours. Getting a call from the doctor saying I have high calcium led me to google it and find that I could have parathyroidism. What a wonderful way to start off Geology class.

Life hurts. Life is pain. It isn’t all sunshine and roses. It may be fine now but it won’t be tomorrow. Another blood test. A possible disease. The what if’s circle in my head as I am freaking out in my chair not even able to write or pay attention.

I cry after my classes and try to feel it. I never let myself feel. I logically feel but never emotionally. I got the blood test done the next day and now for more waiting. That is all my life is- waiting. Patience is a virtue but it also kills people.  Continue reading

I can’t handle this much.

Yesterday at 6:20 pm my whole world changed again. It has happening so much lately. I hate it. I was at college and my dad came to drop off some stuff which is a regular thing. I thought it would be a normal exchange. That after I would go eat dinner, study, and do some other school stuff. I thought my day was already at its worst with dealing with internet problems, a terrible group presentation, and just usual life things.

Nope. Continue reading

Do you ever feel used after a conversation?

But not by the other person but by you. Like you used yourself.

tumblr_m1j0uhvkb71qd0q92o1_250You shared too much. Word vomiting. Afterwards you don’t really know what happened. You have this weird physical reaction in your whole body. It physically takes over but you can’t explain it. You try to remember why you said the things you said. Wishing you had clarified things or left things out.

I have had this feeling so many times when talking to people. It is like what just happened? Why did I bear my soul so much or share my personal ideas or opinions on things. Was it just because I was trying to fill the space and so I just kept saying the first thing that came to my mind?  Continue reading

Sometimes we are broken. And numb.

tumblr_mhghpykotl1qh6s1no5_r1_250I am having one of those moments. The time that I just shut down, or maybe wake up. Everything that I have been suppressing comes to the surface and takes over my whole body. It is like my internal systems are just learning how to function again- going into overload. It radiates throughout my entire body and I usually end up crying. Anxiety with the numbness going away.

It happens about once every two weeks. But to think that I am not truly letting myself feel until then- means a lot. I like to hide that part of me from myself. Forget about it, or else I fear that I won’t be able to get on. That realization of how dark and cruel life really is. How much it hurts and is filled with pain. The irreplaceable kind that can’t be given back. It is just over in the blink of an eye.  Continue reading