I’m Tired. And I’m Done!

cover-1-750x422Freshman year is officially over as of three days ago. That means that summer is here.

This past semester and year overall has been one emotional rollercoaster. As some of you may know if you read my blog regularly- it has not been a cup of tea.  Continue reading

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I come here.

angerWhen I need to get something off of my chest this is where I turn to. It is so healthy for me to get my thoughts out and into the world. Instead of locking them up inside my head.

When I am mad. I literally can’t do anything extremely productive. My brain is cluttered with the thoughts pulsing throughout. I try to distract it with different stimuli so the pain doesn’t set in.

I could go into all the details into why I am feeling the way I do but I think it is always important in what you do in response to your feelings. I don’t believe we can control how we feel but I do believe we can control how we react to those feelings.  Continue reading

This is my life.

depressed-girl-970x647Panic attack on Monday on and off for three hours. Getting a call from the doctor saying I have high calcium led me to google it and find that I could have parathyroidism. What a wonderful way to start off Geology class.

Life hurts. Life is pain. It isn’t all sunshine and roses. It may be fine now but it won’t be tomorrow. Another blood test. A possible disease. The what if’s circle in my head as I am freaking out in my chair not even able to write or pay attention.

I cry after my classes and try to feel it. I never let myself feel. I logically feel but never emotionally. I got the blood test done the next day and now for more waiting. That is all my life is- waiting. Patience is a virtue but it also kills people.  Continue reading

I have no words.

My brain is exploding but I don’t know what to say.

The sun has come out but I don’t know that it’s day.

Time goes on and so does life but why do I feel so empty inside?

Is this how it will be, just waiting on my mind helplessly?

Why do the things happen that we pray to not?

The questions invade me and seem all consuming.

It is all I know and all I feel- can’t you see me breaking?

I don’t want to come off as clingy, so can you just ask?

No one needs to know about the demons that I show.

Our little secret it will be, only yours to keep.

Just be patient as I tell you everything.

Once it is all over I will retreat and regret the things.

I shouldn’t have spoken, I shouldn’t have dared.

If only I just held it in for one more day- to let it pass away.

Forgive me, I will now be, on my own, forevermore.

Just leave.

Anxiety?

4-7-8-breathing-stop-anxietySuch a fun topic. The thought game. The panic game. I have this but this isn’t news. It just sucks when it gets really bad.

Your brain goes into over-drive and then you crash into depression. You can’t be both anxious and depressed at the same time but you can oscillate quite often. Your over-thinking leads into depression and vice versa.

I hate the symptoms of sweating. It just happens without me realizing it. Sometimes even when I don’t think I am anxious. The heart palpations. The closing of the chest. It is hard to breathe. Your mind is going a million miles a minute. Then sometimes you cry. This is more of a panic attack now. The feeling of complete uneasiness. You can’t move.  Continue reading

Ramble of the INFP

shy-girlI disappeared for two weeks. At least it wasn’t a month.

I always feel like screaming. But I don’t. I don’t for fear of judgement. So I sit there. Quiet. Saying things under my breath or in my head.

When people say things about the stuff I am passionate about and I have a differing opinion I hold back because I hate conflict.  Continue reading

I can’t handle this much.

Yesterday at 6:20 pm my whole world changed again. It has happening so much lately. I hate it. I was at college and my dad came to drop off some stuff which is a regular thing. I thought it would be a normal exchange. That after I would go eat dinner, study, and do some other school stuff. I thought my day was already at its worst with dealing with internet problems, a terrible group presentation, and just usual life things.

Nope. Continue reading