Panic attack on Monday on and off for three hours. Getting a call from the doctor saying I have high calcium led me to google it and find that I could have parathyroidism. What a wonderful way to start off Geology class.
Life hurts. Life is pain. It isn’t all sunshine and roses. It may be fine now but it won’t be tomorrow. Another blood test. A possible disease. The what if’s circle in my head as I am freaking out in my chair not even able to write or pay attention.
I cry after my classes and try to feel it. I never let myself feel. I logically feel but never emotionally. I got the blood test done the next day and now for more waiting. That is all my life is- waiting. Patience is a virtue but it also kills people.
I get the blood test done on Tuesday and am much more composed on the outside. After all, I have to get used to them- I may be getting them done more regularly. It all hurts to think about. I try to focus on the facts we have in front of us in the here in now rather than the distant future.
I am so lost and confused right now. Like I am stranded on an island waving my flare in the air and screaming from the people that pretend to care. I am so broken. So hurt. All of the pieces are trying to be put back into place but they can’t seem to find their way back.
I emotionally numb and disconnect from it all. The burdens that I place on myself and by other people get to me and I explode. I really don’t know what to do movie forward. I am holding my breath from a breath that I stopped breathing.
Time passes by so quickly and I think about the times that I used to feel alive. Like I was truly living. The control and thirst for it is what affects me the most. I was a mess last night and a mess this morning revisting the words that came out of me.
I was supposed to go somewhere with my friends but I couldn’t bring myself to move. I didn’t want to. It hurt too much. They didn’t really seem to care anyways because it has been seven hours and I still haven’t heard anything from them. I got my period and the cramps pierced my body.
I felt mutilated. I felt attacked. I still do. There is this dull ache inside of me and it won’t go away. It is so hard feeling like this. I hate this. I question everything. Should I really go away for the summer? Am I even in the mental compactly to serve and be a good worker? If I feel like this now, how will I be in the summer?
This is why I detach myself. This is why I go through the numbing process. It literally pains me to feel. I can’t do it. I have wasted so much time. I try to cling to the hope and the truth but it has become so hard to keep holding on. Music has always spoken to my soul and for now that will give me comfort.
I get better as the hours go on I guess. I will try and read my bible later. I hate days like these. They suck the life out of you. JK Rowling got it right with the dementors. She knows what depression is like. The light is the only thing that con stop it. So I dig deep inside and pull on that light to keep me alive.