Such a fun topic. The thought game. The panic game. I have this but this isn’t news. It just sucks when it gets really bad.
Your brain goes into over-drive and then you crash into depression. You can’t be both anxious and depressed at the same time but you can oscillate quite often. Your over-thinking leads into depression and vice versa.
I hate the symptoms of sweating. It just happens without me realizing it. Sometimes even when I don’t think I am anxious. The heart palpations. The closing of the chest. It is hard to breathe. Your mind is going a million miles a minute. Then sometimes you cry. This is more of a panic attack now. The feeling of complete uneasiness. You can’t move.
Medical things have sparked this more than anything as well as the fear of change. Like going away for the summer. All of the what if’s hit. You start to think like that terrible thing has already happened. Because you have lived it ten times. I have to get my blood drawn but I’ve already done it in my mind so many times. Maybe by the time I get there I won’t panic. MAYBE. I will still probably cry and freak out. Basically acting like a baby when I am an adult.
I also have car anxiety ever since I was in an accident. I hate driving and will avoid it at all costs. I can do better with someone in the car with me and driving short distances by myself. I have so many phobias. I should rank them. Some I can live with. Some I can’t deal with at all.
- Medical related things. You talking about something to getting surgery. I have gotten shots- in full panic though. I got my wisdom teeth taken out- so traumatic that I can’t even actually process it. Being put under. Gosh no that was terrible. I consider that a pretty non-invasive surgery but anything more and I literally don’t even know.
- Heights. This has caused many cries as well. I only get over planes because I am inclosed and can trick myself into thinking I am not really in the air. I can’t have the windows open though. And I am usually asleep for most of it. But no rock-climibing or ferris wheels for me.
- Bugs. I have had so many bad experiences with bugs. I had lice when a kid. There were two times when ants were in our house. I got stung by a bee. And they are just overall intrusive. I get nightmares about them quite often. I literally wish they didn’t have a purpose on this earth.
- The sea. I never went past waist deep and even that was a big deal for me as a kid. I would never surf or just jump into the ocean from a boat. I have been snorkeling in an enclosed area but that is about it. I don’t like fish- they remind me of bugs. The ocean is just too big and vast. It is a nice theory but not reality.
- Dark. I guess this should be higher but it doesn’t come up as much as it did when I was a kid. I was so scared that I had to have my parents close the bedroom door to a dark room. I was afraid of the shadows and what could be in it I guess. I would never go in the woods at night by myself. Nope.
- Closed spaces. I hate the idea of being trapped. Elevators I can handle but if it takes awhile I start to think “what if”. Large crowds exiting places freak me out because you are so enclosed. I don’t like my space invaded and I like an exit easily accessible. This isn’t as bad but it does come up a lot.
- Death. This would be number one but I am a Christian and sometimes God slips in with all of this anxiety and speaks to me. But when that doesn’t happen. It is my death. Like I sometimes freak out about falling asleep and not waking up. Just death in general gets me- I can’t wrap my head around what it would feel like and that drives me insane. Also the death of my family and friends- them no longer existing on earth gets to me.
There are some of the things that I have a phobia for or just normal anxiety. I didn’t really mention social things because that could be a whole other topic. I just basically worry and get nervous over everything. It gets something you deal with mostly but sometimes like now it gets to be too much.
I hate the feeling of my automatic negative thoughts that drive me insane. That leads into my OCD. I have very mild OCD but it still feeds in. Like going through each nail with the other. Touching my eye lashes in a specific way. Having to balance things out on each side sometime. Have my routine down that if I skip something I feel wrong and dirty. It is all in order to relive my anxiety and feel in control.
I know this is all the devil getting to me through my thoughts and I should turn to God but sometimes there is a wall stopping you. The thoughts pile up and it gets cloudy. You feel ashamed for everything that went into your mind. All the rationalization and what if scenarios trying calm you in your weird way. People notice this in my life clearly but I don’t think they realize how bad it is sometimes. I don’t want to overplay this.
Other people have it worse. They always do. And for the most part I am fine. However there are times- mostly at night when the weight of all the anxiety sinks in and you feel empty and stuck. Outside of yourself and just a blob. Well this was a depressing post. Thanks for reading about my anxiety. I hope you don’t suffer form this terrible thing.