I disappeared for two weeks. At least it wasn’t a month.
I always feel like screaming. But I don’t. I don’t for fear of judgement. So I sit there. Quiet. Saying things under my breath or in my head.
When people say things about the stuff I am passionate about and I have a differing opinion I hold back because I hate conflict.
I also hate authority. But not in the usual sense. I actually need authority to get things done. As much as I would love to be my own little fairy boss- nothing would get done. No I fear talking to my authority, over stepping. Even if it isn’t a punishment. It could be asking for time off. Asking a question. I hate it. I used to get teary eyed as a kid. Now I just have uncontrollable anxiety.
I tried explaining the feeling of this to someone else and they told me I didn’t need to feel this way for speaking up. I can’t help it though. I will always get this feeling for being too passionate or assertive. I can do so all the time in my head or as I complain to my friends but I never actually do anything. Whenever my mother would say that she would email my teacher when I was a kid I would ALWAYS stop her.
Speaking of email. I hate email. SO much. I don’t really like phone calls either. Meeting in person is not ideal. Basically I’d just rather not have to deal with it. So I mostly ignore or avoid the problem. Speaking of avoiding- I avoid people. Oh gosh. If I the thing of connivence is gone for us I will most likely not say high. Maybe if we are past the level of mere acquaintances but as soon as I start to feel you nonverbally telling me that you aren’t excited to see me- I will stop saying hi.
I seek meaningful conversations. Most people say that they don’t like small talk. I will try to avoid it at all costs. I detest it. Sad thing is- with most people you have to start off with small talk to get to the deep stuff. Every once in awhile you will click instantly and there would be no awkwardness. You would be talking like you have been friends for years. I love these moments. I want this to happen when I meet my husband.
I should be studying for a test. But I felt the need to ramble. Lucky you but unlucky for my grade. Anyways I think that is the gist of what I have to say for today. Anything in particular that you would like to hear my opinion on? I feel like in my life so many people don’t actually know what I think because I always try to defend the other side if someone is too stuck to be open minded. I try to be the harmonizer. There is nothing more that I hate than someone unwilling to change.