I can’t handle this much.

Yesterday at 6:20 pm my whole world changed again. It has happening so much lately. I hate it. I was at college and my dad came to drop off some stuff which is a regular thing. I thought it would be a normal exchange. That after I would go eat dinner, study, and do some other school stuff. I thought my day was already at its worst with dealing with internet problems, a terrible group presentation, and just usual life things.

Nope.

It got worst. My dad said so something came up- that he had to tell me something and my first thought was cancer. I was right. I hate being right sometimes. I cried instantly. Prostate Cancer. He told me that they did a test and that he found out yesterday. I am standing outside my dorms like I always do. Except this time it was different. My life was now suddenly different. He told me that they caught it early and it looks like it hasn’t spread.

Why.

He asks if I want to go for a drive or go home. I get in the car and I’m just completely broken. I have my feet on the dashboard as I start to emotionally pour out my soul. I don’t look at him that much. It hurts. My dad rarely ever cries and it is only when I am crying. We drive for 20 minutes going nowhere. It just all hits me. I am in shock although I know exactly what is going on. It is so hard to describe in words. It is like I finally got it. When you watch people in the movies. It is now your reality.

Falling.

We decided to go to the beach. It is unbelievably cold and windy. I honestly felt like I was going to throw up. It felt like just a normal time going to the beach with my dad except that it wasn’t. We go under the pier and hug for ten to fifteen minutes. I didn’t want to let go. During this whole process I was trying to say everything I would want to him. Getting it all out. Like making sure I said the things I normally don’t say. You reflect on all the memories growing up. Trying to remember it all.

Pain.

I sit here writing this not even 24 hours after and I can’t believe that it is real. My mind starts to go there. Seeing him in the hospital. I have never seen my dad sick. What are these next couple of months going to look like. What if he dies. He won’t meet my first boyfriend and be able to threaten his life. He won’t be able to walk me down the aisle or be at my first dance. But honestly if my dad wasn’t there I probably won’t even have a traditional wedding. It is just too painful.

Then.

After all of the emotions. I let go of his embrace and ask for a piggy back ride. He is the only person that will always give me one. We start to laugh and smile. We take some pictures after. Then we get in the car and he takes me back. Because although for me my whole world has stopped. It doesn’t for everyone else. I had to go study for a test. We sit in the car and listen to his music which I have heard of before and bond over that. In and out of crying. I go back and call Kimberly. First time saying the words out loud to someone else.

Reality.

I called Kimba and told her that I needed her to meet me. Hannah came as well and as I told them I couldn’t even look them in the eye. They wrapped me up and we went to get dinner. Meeting Hannah (pronounced differently) I paused for a second and then spat it out. Just wanting to get it over with. He hand went to her mouth and I saw it in her eyes. The sympathy. The pity. Although it is nice to care I don’t need to see how I am feeling in someone else. Like they are relived it isn’t them but still feel so bad for you.

Numbness.

After 8pm I didn’t cry. I had to study for a test. I was in public. I tried to push it down. It was still there though. Popping up every couple of minutes. Like if I had to tell someone else or really thought about it I would explode again. I was just so drained. I went to bed early just in a state of nothingness. I woke up wanting to stay in bed and cry so much. It is like I woke up and realized that it was all true. I didn’t dream it. I sit here after my test still not crying. I want to cry though. I know that I will cry again so I want to get it over with.

Just.

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to feel. It is honestly too much. This will break me. My Grandma has dementia. My dog (brother/best friend) is old. And now my dad has cancer. I win for the most depressing life. Who do I talk to that will get it? The answer is no one. They can’t understand because their lives are going fine. Maybe with the two things but now add on a third thing. There is only so much a girl can take. And yes they are all still alive for now. But I believe waiting is the worst part. It is the build up. The death after sucks too but you get a totally different feeling.

 

How is this for a personal emotional depressing vlog. Me telling you how I found out my dad had cancer.

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