I am having one of those moments. The time that I just shut down, or maybe wake up. Everything that I have been suppressing comes to the surface and takes over my whole body. It is like my internal systems are just learning how to function again- going into overload. It radiates throughout my entire body and I usually end up crying. Anxiety with the numbness going away.
It happens about once every two weeks. But to think that I am not truly letting myself feel until then- means a lot. I like to hide that part of me from myself. Forget about it, or else I fear that I won’t be able to get on. That realization of how dark and cruel life really is. How much it hurts and is filled with pain. The irreplaceable kind that can’t be given back. It is just over in the blink of an eye.
My grandfather died last year- December 27th 2016- months away from making 100. Some may say he had a good long life, that doesn’t make it any easier. I only got 17. One moment he was a live and the next he was gone. I found myself faced with something in its most extremity like never before. He had a wake- meaning I saw his body. I had to go into the house for the first time. Travel with my grandmother to Alabama.
The funeral. It was all so real. And final. Just a year and a half ago- everything was fine. Got back from camp the summer of 2014 to my grandfather in the hospital. Nothing was the same after that. Got out three months later- in a wheel chair with a caretaker. My heart began to stop every time the house phone rang. Every time my father said that he had news. Every visit wondering if it was the last.
It had been almost two months since I had seen him. Lucky to have not seen him decline into oblivion. I had a feeling that that was it. Just two days after Christmas. Coming up on the one year. I realize how completely different I am. January I was a wreck, drowning my emotions in Nashville binge watching. Getting through finals somehow. I survived, but I guess most of us always do.
Until late April when my dog Biscuit of 11 years old started to have health problems. Just as I thought it couldn’t get any worse. He got pneumonia shortly after and I thought that was it. But God decided to spare him. I was already stuck- stopped in my tracks. But now I held my breath like never before. Just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It never came. Not yet anyway. Other health issues aside- Biscuit made it to 12.
I feel that it is understandable to be emotional over a grandfather but note that I view my dog as my baby-brother-best friend. A whole post could be devoted to him. Pain is pain. And loss is loss. However that is felt to each one individually. No matter what makes someone feel the way I feel, or lack there of due to the numbness- I would never wish it on anyone. Grief is so powerful and so mighty.
I wonder what I will do when the next wave of death hits my life- shattering it once again. Who will it be? When will it be? The questions remain unanswered. I don’t know how older people do it. I can’t even handle one death, one that in reality to a lot of things- isn’t extremely close to me. I could loose my best friend, my parents, or my future husband. I wish I could shield myself from it all. For I fear I will only get worse as it goes on.
Music is so important to the broken. The ones that don’t feel enough. That don’t feel quite understood. That are emotional down to the core. As the instruments come together to form this melody with the lyrics brushing over the tune. It reminds me that I am human. That I can feel and that it is okay. We go in and out of these periods in life of just feeling hopeless. Even when we pretend that it is all okay.
I wish that I could offer a bit of a positive wisdom, but as you can see from the title. This is not one of those blog posts and I am not having one of those days. So go somewhere alone. Put on that one trusted thing to make you cry. And cry. Let it out. Feel something. It will hurt like Hell but make you better for it. We are so broken. More people than you realize. Just like you we hide it. Going about our lives as if everything is dandy.