Life. Update?

So I haven’t written here in quite some time- but I did warn that. Almost a month or so later- here I am. I have been in Colorado for almost five weeks. It has been the longest I have been away from home.

I have gotten homesick and at the same time feel completely okay with being away from home. I guess it is because I know that there is an end date. I know that it will be over soon and so I am trying to make the most of it.  Continue reading

I come here.

angerWhen I need to get something off of my chest this is where I turn to. It is so healthy for me to get my thoughts out and into the world. Instead of locking them up inside my head.

When I am mad. I literally can’t do anything extremely productive. My brain is cluttered with the thoughts pulsing throughout. I try to distract it with different stimuli so the pain doesn’t set in.

I could go into all the details into why I am feeling the way I do but I think it is always important in what you do in response to your feelings. I don’t believe we can control how we feel but I do believe we can control how we react to those feelings.  Continue reading

This is my life.

depressed-girl-970x647Panic attack on Monday on and off for three hours. Getting a call from the doctor saying I have high calcium led me to google it and find that I could have parathyroidism. What a wonderful way to start off Geology class.

Life hurts. Life is pain. It isn’t all sunshine and roses. It may be fine now but it won’t be tomorrow. Another blood test. A possible disease. The what if’s circle in my head as I am freaking out in my chair not even able to write or pay attention.

I cry after my classes and try to feel it. I never let myself feel. I logically feel but never emotionally. I got the blood test done the next day and now for more waiting. That is all my life is- waiting. Patience is a virtue but it also kills people.  Continue reading

I have no words.

My brain is exploding but I don’t know what to say.

The sun has come out but I don’t know that it’s day.

Time goes on and so does life but why do I feel so empty inside?

Is this how it will be, just waiting on my mind helplessly?

Why do the things happen that we pray to not?

The questions invade me and seem all consuming.

It is all I know and all I feel- can’t you see me breaking?

I don’t want to come off as clingy, so can you just ask?

No one needs to know about the demons that I show.

Our little secret it will be, only yours to keep.

Just be patient as I tell you everything.

Once it is all over I will retreat and regret the things.

I shouldn’t have spoken, I shouldn’t have dared.

If only I just held it in for one more day- to let it pass away.

Forgive me, I will now be, on my own, forevermore.

Just leave.

-Being obsessed with MBTI-

Myers Briggs Type Indicator.

I know there are so much more than this. I barely know enneagram cognitive functions, and shadow functions.

whoismocca-blog-tipps-tricks-laptop-coffee-notebook-sliderI love to go on peoples blogs and personality cafe all of the time just to learn more about the different types.

I seriously think that I should be a psychology major rather than film sometimes. Although I think that it will then suck the fun out of it.

I am an INFP and find myself to be pretty much the epitome of this type. It actually kills me how much I fit into the stereotype. Every once in awhile I am like “ehhh” but most of the time I am laughing at how accurate it describes me. Continue reading

Writing Songs

music-headphones-770x472I love music. Worship. Indie. Alternative. Singer-song writer. Country. Even some pop. Barely any rap.

It can transcend you. Change your mood. Or help you express your feelings. Writing songs have become so therapeutic for me.

I have been writing songs for a long time now but now I am writing them all in my journal and documenting their existence.  Continue reading

Anxiety?

4-7-8-breathing-stop-anxietySuch a fun topic. The thought game. The panic game. I have this but this isn’t news. It just sucks when it gets really bad.

Your brain goes into over-drive and then you crash into depression. You can’t be both anxious and depressed at the same time but you can oscillate quite often. Your over-thinking leads into depression and vice versa.

I hate the symptoms of sweating. It just happens without me realizing it. Sometimes even when I don’t think I am anxious. The heart palpations. The closing of the chest. It is hard to breathe. Your mind is going a million miles a minute. Then sometimes you cry. This is more of a panic attack now. The feeling of complete uneasiness. You can’t move.  Continue reading